Tuesday, 12 January 2016

A Little Something Different

I have decided to use this blog for the greater good and document my experiences through mental illness, I think it could help both you and me. I find the only way I can talk about problems is by writing, I struggle to talk to anybody directly whether that be face to face or over a messaging system I can't do it whereas if I write about my feelings indirectly I feel more comfortable.

Rewind to 11 days before Christmas I had plucked up the courage to finally sort my head out, I booked a doctors appointment and spent the weeks leading up to it in a state of constant nervousness and panic. I was scared my doctor wouldn't believe how I was feeling, that I was making it all up and it was me over-reacting. I was wrong. I sat in the waiting room of the surgery feeling sick, anxious and riddled with panic. Somehow I managed to stutter out how I was feeling. I was displaying all the common signs of depression and anxiety. I told my doctor about feeling complete numb to everything, having no interest in the things I enjoy, sleeping too much and eating too much. (There's loads more like the concept of time, time either goes too fast and I have no recollection of what I have done in the last day or in the last 10 seconds in fact, or time goes really slow. Everything just feels a little hazy like I'm not myself. I haven't felt like myself in about 3 or 4 months. I have been floating through my days feeling unlike me, like I'm watching myself from outside my body. Weird.)

After confirming my diagnosis I left my GP  practitioner in tears and found myself crying too. It all got a bit emosh and weird and WEIRD. She referred me to a well-being team whom I have been in contact with the last few weeks. I have my first session of CBT scheduled in about a week. For those who don't know CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy focusing on the future, changing the way you think negatively about things in your life. I will admit I am terrified, like crapping my pants terrified. I have no idea what to expect as I've never experienced anything like this before. I have been speaking to the therapist that I'll be having CBT sessions with over the phone, it's strange because I've only heard his voice. I know it doesn't matter but I need a face to the name because it just feels so weird.

I have refrained from googling too much because I fear I'll put myself off it however I've read a couple of blog posts about other people's experiences and it has relaxed me a little. I know that in the long run this will all be very useful, finally talking to somebody about everything I'm feeling and how to combat all the negativity I put on myself but right now, I'm scared. Scared to talk, scared to even get myself to the building and scared to meet somebody new who I have already told so much to over the phone.

Scared about absolutely everything in my life.

Moving on, I have been feeling slightly relieved since talking to somebody however I went back to the doctors this week. My doctor re-did the quiz we originally did the first time we met and I'm still ranking high on the scale. As I expected. Mentally and physically I'm not feeling any better, I don't feel like me. I think I feel worse. She brought up anti-depressants. Controversial topic aye. Lots of opinions on the pros and cons of different pills. I am scared. Again. How many times have I said that? To be honest, every thought of mine at the minute is I AM SCARED. So, she suggested Fluoxetine (Prozac). I have never experienced medication like this. I'm open to trying it, if it makes me feel better then I'm all for it. I'm not entirely sure how to feel or if I'm actually feeling anything but I agreed to her suggestion and picked up the prescription from the chemist. I begin taking them in the morning. I am both SCARED and excited. Excited in a funny kind of way, in a way that I hope and cannot wait to feel like the Brianna I used to be (I'm not sure who she even is).

This post is as the title explains, a little something different but I find the blogging community to be one of positivity and happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm rambling. I applaud you if you have sat and read all this, I also love you if you have. This is a very strange time in my life and to document it on the interwebs is even stranger. Anyway, soz for this. It feels good to write about it though.

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Christmas and Birthday Book Haul

Christmas and my birthday go hand in hand, with them being within three days of each other so any gifts I receive are split between the two days. The gifts I receive are always going to include books, every year I write a book list for my mum for her to try and attempt to find them in a book shop (She's not very good at this bless her, this year she gave me the list back and said "I can't find any of these books will you please separate what is fiction and what isn't"). Enough waffling this year I gathered many books and I'm so excited to read them and use the beautiful notebooks I was given.

Holy Cow - David Duchovny
This novel is weird - written in the perspective of a cow (Reminds me a little of Animal Farm by George Orwell). Holy Cow has been on my reading list for a good few months and now it's finally in my possession and the first book I picked up to read out of my pile. It's funny, bizarre and insightful into the (Suggested) mind of a cow.

Dark Places - Gillian Flynn
The only book I haven't read by Flynn and I cannot emphasis enough how excited I am to delve into this. With every novel by Flynn I have been fascinated with her style of writing, I absolutely love it and if it's anything to go by her previous novels then it will be amazing. I've also found myself buying books with black or white covers (Aesthetically pleasing) so this is a perfect addition to my shelves.

The Last Girlfriend on Earth and Other Love Stories - Simon Rich
I'm a sucker for romance (I sometimes hate to admit it) and these short stories will keep my stupid heart happy plus the abstract cover caught me. There seems to be a recurring theme of choosing books because of their beautiful covers - at least I'm judging a book by its cover for all the right reasons?

No One Belongs Here More Than You - Miranda July
I first read The First Bad Man by July and was struck by her way of writing especially in this strange tale of friendship, family and love so I figured reading another book of hers wouldn't hurt. No One Belongs Here More Than You is a series of short stories that once again I am excited to read.

Upstairs at the Party - Linda Grant
Set in the 70's surrounding university students and documenting fate. How one little change can affect the course of our lives, how fast life can change and how we have no idea of our next situation. This is one of those books I suggested to buy on a whim, I didn't know much about it and often I research a book before I buy it because I fear I'll begin reading it and dislike it. My worst fear is buying books and having them left on my shelves because I didn't enjoy the style of writing, 

Tiger Milk - Stefanie de Velasco
My brother brought me this novel for my birthday. I have absolutely no clue as to its plot, I haven't even read the blurb I choose it because the cover was pretty. (Judging a book by its cover, don't roll your eyes at me.) I'm looking forward to this book!

Heart-Shaped Box - Joe Hill
Sometimes like most avid book readers you become attached to one genre of writing and feel like a bad parent when you choose something different. I am a sap for romance stories, not the traditional Notebook kinda of tales but the quirky ones (Feel pretentious using quirky). Heart-Shaped Box is a ghost story about protagonist Jude who has a fascination with ghosts and the supernatural. One day a ghost is delivered to his doorstep in a black heart-shaped box and wants to make Jude run for his life.

Among my growing tower of books I received a notebook with an atlas print and GOLD pages (Freaking out, it's beautiful), a moleskine 2016 diary that I fully intend to use all year and not just for January if it helps me figure my life out... and finally a small book called Inspiration for Writers which features various quotes from famous writers encouraging you to write. This small book of writing joy will help me through the stages of my writing where I'm hitting a writer's wall. For when I feel my characters aren't developing as well as my imagination and mind had hoped. For when my plot feels like a dead end.

"Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: write to please yourself" - Harlan Ellison.